Crack SnapeFilchGiantSquid
by Zeviz
Summary: One evening, after a particularly amusing group chat, I decided to incorporate all craziness into a single story. Here is the result.


_AN: My first attempt at crackfic. Since it's largely based on jokes from a chatroom, maybe I should include a huge list of footnotes explaining all references. :)_

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><p>Moonlight streaming through the castle was filling the air with sweet expectation as Severus floated towards the caretaker's office. This night, the drafty corridors held the promise of love he expected to find, rather than the annoyance of students that usually filled them. The soft light spread like a carpet in front of him, directing his way towards his beloved. Argus... his sweet, gentle Argus... The epitome of beauty. The etalon of perfection. The most wonderful man who has ever lived. As Severus walked through the corridors, floating on the wings of love, his mind filled with visions of the coming night...<p>

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><p>Meanwhile in a nearby Broadcast Tower...<p>

"The Squid is breaking through!"

"Get Cannon!"

"Which cannon?"

"The Canon cannon."

"The Canon cannon?"

"Yes, get Cannon, the Canon cannon."

"What idiot came up with that name?"

"What's wrong with Cannon's name? It's not as if I asked for Canon, the canonized Canon cannon canon canon, canonizing canonization of Canon, the canonical Canon cannon canon, canonizing canonization of Cannon, the canonized Canon cannon."

"Stop showing off and just get some weapon!"

"It's not like that sentence was hard to parse, considering that it contained no neologisms and followed all the standard rules of ... aaaah"

The room was filled by rays of green light coming from AK-47s held by tentacles of a Giant Squid that floated in, quickly killing everybody with AKs coming from its modified AKs. As it glided out of the room, the beeping from equipment became more urgent, and red lights began to blink on several control panels.

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><p>Back at Hogwarts, Snape stopped in confusion. Why was he heading towards the caretaker's office? And what was he holding in his hand? A rose? That didn't make any sense. Maybe he was going to get Filch to whip a few more of the suspected DA members in hopes of getting a confession, but why would he need a rose for that? Although whipping students with rose stems was an interesting idea...<p>

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><p>"The tranquility field is failing!"<p>

"The Squid must be escaping again. Can't those idiots do anything right?"

"Maybe we need a better approach to this problem. Instead of trying to prevent The Squid from leaving, perhaps we should just make powering the telepathic matrix more appealing to it?"

"What would be appealing for a Giant Squid?"

"A transoceanic communications cable to chew on?"

"It had that at home. We need something better."

"What about scaring it into staying in the tower?"

"How do you scare a telepathic Giant Squid armed with AK-shooting AK-47s?"

"We can show it a bigger cannon:" ./

"It will never believe that you have an ICBM."

"It will have no choice when the warning comes as a payload in its own ICBM."

"Where did you get all these ICBMs?"

"It's amazing what you can find in a Russian army surplus store, if you know how to ask."

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><p>(About fifteen minutes later, back at Hogwarts.)<p>

Cool moonlight was pouring through the castle's tall windows, filling its hallways with unearthly glow, a perfect reflection of the glow in Severus' heart as he looked at Argus, walking beside him, their hands joined together by love that knew no bounds. The joyous song filled his soul, pushing out all thoughts of past and future darkness, leaving only this wonderful moment of purest love. The song spread through the air, overwhelming everything with the feeling of peace and tranquility. Finally, it began to solidify, forming into words that poured from Severus' lips, coming straight from his heart:

"World's greatest power is love,  
>Unending like the skies above.<br>It fills the darkest place with joy,  
>And brings the life you can enjoy.<p>

The darkest heart it fills with light,  
>And bright as day it makes the night.<br>This greatest power in land,  
>Will make good triumph in the end."<p> 


End file.
